Only in America
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a DIET coke...
Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so
we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli"
in
latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
creatures"..
The Lords Prayer
A mother was teaching her 3 year old
daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she
repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother
listened with pride as her daughter carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
ACTUAL LETTERS TO LANDLORDS
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to repair
our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it
and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have
two children and would like a third, so will you please send
someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Could you please send someone to fix the
faucet in our bathtub. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is
very uncomfortable for us this way.
13. I want to complain about the farmer
across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and
it is getting too much.
14. When the workmen were here they put
their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please
send men with clean tools to finish the job and
keep my wife happy.
INFORMATION:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and
realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I
am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Business Management."
"I do," replies the balloonist. "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you
don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be
able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault."
SMUGGLING
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican
border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard replies, "We'll just see about that..."
The guard takes the bags, rips them apart,
empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains
Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure
sand. Finally,
the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders
and lets him
cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan
approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand.
The guard asks him, "What have you got?"
Juan replies, "Sand."
Again the guard does a thorough examination
and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives
the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.
This sequence is repeated every day for
several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico
and Juan walks in.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to
Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all
I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
The Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to
raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold
him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've
kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's
shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next
morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan
tree. The Blonde
opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"
Solitary Confinement
Three guys are convicted of a very serious
crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary
confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up
the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard.
I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes
out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says.
"It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have
a beautiuful new family.
I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
The Bear Facts
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a
bear start chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts
climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and
starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"
A Long Time Ago
German scientists dug 50 meters underground
and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying
these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago
had a
nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not
that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig
even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced
that the ancient
Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Cream and Sugar
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest
time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous
customers having lunch
at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the
container is empty. As the
waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever
remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As
she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and
puts sugar cubes
and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and askes him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!?!"
An Alibi
Two lovers passionately embraced on the bed,
their bodies entwined as they gyrated to theif own rythm. Suddenly,
the woman cocked her ear, "My husband is coming through the front door! Quick! Hide
in the bathroom!" she cried.
The man ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just then, her husband comes into the bedroom.
"Why are you lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"I heard you coming up the drive and I wanted to be ready for you darling." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great!" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom and found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But....But....you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down, jumped backward in surprise and said, "The Little Bastards!"
A Different Kind of Blind Date
A man who lived in a block of apartments
thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check.
As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and
offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you
like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both
enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady
said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
Six Foot Cockroach
A man is sitting at home one evening when
the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a six foot cockroach
is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers
off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home
when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach
is there again. This time it punches him, kicks him, and karate chops him before running
away.
The third evening, the man is sitting at
home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach
is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off.
The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his
rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about
the six foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
A Dead Ringer
This woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that
she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her
husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much
she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost
anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse
was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same
size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black
suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I
switched the heads"
The Dinner Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner
party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was
very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she
realized that she didn't
have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she
was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the
bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the
water just a little further
down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails. All of
a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him
back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach,
and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards
and passed out
there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My
wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on
real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach
all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a
hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There
were snails all down the stairs. Just then, the door opened, with a very angry wife
standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails
all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
The Friars
The friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town
thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars
to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out
of business. They ignored
her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Prehistoric Pyramid Schemes
Recent evidence has come to light that
suggests that pyramid style chain letters may have pre-dated Dave
Rhodes by a considerable margin. Palaentologists recently deciphered the following,
painted on a cave wall
on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.
MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!
Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many
moons ago, Urk in bad way.
Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk
wo-man).
Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries.
Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs.
Urk tell how.
WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to
cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave
place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not
crime! Urk ask shaman,
gods say okay.
HERE LIST:
Urk
First cave - Olduvai Gorge
(few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree by laked shaped like mammoth
(few) Og
big rock with overhang near pig game trail
(Many) Zog
river caves where river meet big water
Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say
do. That only way it work.
----------
(c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.
Fraternizing
On the first day of college, the Dean
addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory
will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He
continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
The Diet
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2
days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time
I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
No, from skipping."
Last Requests
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed
with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying,
"You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the
old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some
of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the
deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two
forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Sex Education
A little girl and her mother were out and
about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old
are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's
another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow
up."
The girl still wanting to know about her
mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and
Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the
questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much,
and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she
is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend
about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to
do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a
report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
Final Exams
It was the final examination for an
introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,
it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The
examination was two hours long, and standard blue exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in
exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Half hour into the exam, a student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not
going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a
booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for
the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except
for the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up
to the front of the lecture hall where the professor was sitting behind the desk, casually
reading a book with his feet up on a stool. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of
exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late," the professor said, turning the page in his book.
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"Nooooo, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you KNOW who I AM?" the student asked again, poking his own chest with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
The student quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams and stuffed his in the middle. "Good!" he said, and
walked out of the room.
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she
was there, she replied, "I'd like
to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Santos, but you're 75 years old.
What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.
Young Squires
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There
was an island in the middle of the lake,
which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that
they would send
their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched
camp and readied themselves for the fight.
The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily
polishing armor,
brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had
10 squires.
Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third
kingdom, there was
only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped
rope in a tall tree.
He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial
a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the
only person left was
the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two
kingdoms.
I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose
is equal to the sum of the squires of the
other two sides.
The Frog Prince
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon
a frog in a pond. The frog said
to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I
will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and
you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
THE POWER OF SUGGESTION
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested
to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach
in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the
lectern and suggest they put 20
dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and
every Sunday. So therefore, he
waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the
last of the congregation was
becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a
loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
......And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until all of the earth is
covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good
people, and two
of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
said the Lord. And in a
flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for His Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have my Ark completed, or learn how to
swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
And the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. And the Lord
saw that Noah was sitting in his front
yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "WHERE IS MY ACK?!?" A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah, just for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But
there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, but Your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw
the plans. Then I got into a big fight with the fire marshal over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire suppression
sprinkler system. Then my neighbors reported me to the department of housing. They claimed
that I was violating
the city zoning laws by building the Ark in the front yard of my house, making my property
into a two family dwelling. So I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the Ark because there was a ban on cutting down trees in order to save the Spotted Owl. I
had to convince U.S.
Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood in order to save the Spotted Owls. They agreed
to the wood, but they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
up a saw or a hammer. Now I've got 16 carpenters going on the Ark, and still no owls. Then
I started gathering up the animals. I was sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filling out and filing, in triplicate, an environmental impact statement on Your proposed
Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted an accurate map of Your
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
over how many Croatians I'm required to hire. And the IRS has seized all my assets.
They are claiming that I'm
trying to leave the country to avoid my paying taxes. Finally, I recieved a notice from
the state about owing some
kind of flood waterway user tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least
five years."
And Noah sobbed.
Then the sky began to clear. And the sun began to shine. And a rainbow
arched across the sky. And Noah looked
up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked,
hopefully.
"WRONG!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has
its advantages. I fully intend to destroy the Earth,
but with something far worse than a Flood, something far more diabolical. I will destroy
the Earth with something
that Man himself has created."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
And there was a long pause, ...
And then the Lord spoke the Last Word: "GOVERNMENT!"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was
angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is
a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
Congratulations on your new location."
Two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to
Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches
at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY #$*&@^# HOOD!!"
"Your dog is definitely dead, madam. And that will be $120," concludes the vet.
"Good gracious.", replies the woman, "how could it be so much?"
"Well, that's $20 for my consultation and $100 for the cat scan."
There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to
Heaven," said St. Peter
"Before you get settled in though it seems we
have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a consultant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with
you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.
What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an
elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened
and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance
was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends and fellow
consultants that she had worked
with. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice
guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The consultant
was having good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at
the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging
around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had
a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The consultant paused for a second and then
replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again
the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When
the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up
the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil
came up to her and put a rake in her hand.
Confused she asked about her experience the day before.
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff. "
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas,
and a fried egg?"
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business. "
Hi Tech Redneck
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck" :
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT".
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare
occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own
refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to
yourself,"Can I eat this or will it kill
me? Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know
what
to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you
cooked for
yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it
starts to
look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular
cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled
than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you
realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you
pry them out
with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food
so that
you'll spend more on groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius
to
congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be
seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth
areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory
experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable
crisper
without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you
needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of.
Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it
only works
if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a
hamster
in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears
some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and
finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By
the time
they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh
Symphony,
but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with
the expert, the
Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then
the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are
all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the
graveyard's
caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation
for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
Tonight's television listings:
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it
into his van
and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is
Swiss,
and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock'
anymore. Now it just
goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he
rummages around a bit.
He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the
flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range
booth and
threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn,
considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted
and
was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to
focus, pulled
the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see
that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done,
and
gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the
showman
demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more
he picked
up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the
trigger
three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker
with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have
won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those
delicious crusty meat pies".
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on
the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood
and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of
trees. Finally
he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a
condom in his
wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on
this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so
let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while
enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was
dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you
are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys
sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss
Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty
mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when
I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't
you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How
are you feeling ?"
Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-inspections in Iraq. As
he sits down
he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of the chair of Saddam. When Saddam sits down,
Clinton immediately asks: 'why are there three buttons in your arm-rest?'
'You'll see' replies Saddam.
They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses the 1st button, and
'WHACK' a
boxing glove hits Clinton in the face, Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam is laughing
himself silly. Clinton remains calm because he doesn't want this to affect the talks.
After another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the 2nd button and another boxing
glove hits
Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair
from laughing. Clinton gets annoyed by now, but still remains outwardly calm.
They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and
from under
the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up
by now and stands up to leave.
'We'll continue this talk next week in the White House' says the President. Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.
A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits
down, he sees
three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees that
Clinton presses the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen.
This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loud.
After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another
button. Saddam
reacts really quick, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls
out of his chair laughing.
Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here?
But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.
After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays
sitting, but
Clinton isn't, he's is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really
annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts:
"I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"
(Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass
he asked
the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon,
he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass,
he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his
ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is
my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son
(who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs
have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The
mother
(who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother
tell you to
ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest
always pulls
out on time.
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this officer.
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my
officers to carry him from bar to bar.
7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ..
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. So dense, light bends around him.
9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy
suitcases when
a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six,"
he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone
display not just for
every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The
time is eleven 'til
six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says
something in
Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The
display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says
Jake. He pushes a few
more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the
display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says Jake.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable
little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances
up
to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the
capacity
for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favorites
in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development,
and with
$15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The
stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here
it is,
ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a
minute", calls
Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd
been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration -
For I'm the king of procrastination.
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared
in their
mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer
approaches
the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75 mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months."
State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!"
State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."
Ellen Degeneres virus............Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus............Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus................... Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.....................Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.................Quits after one byte
Prozac virus.....................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus...............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus..............Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus..................Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard
drive upon
contact
Woody Allen virus................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus.............Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus............. Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michaels virus............Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus............Only attacks minor files
X-files virus....................All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus.................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus..............Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.........Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virus..................Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall
appears out of
nowhere
Martha Stewart virus.............Takes all your files, sorts them by category
and folds them
into
cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus..............Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then
slowly
expands to 300MB
AT&T virus.......................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great
service you are
getting
MCI virus........................Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much
for
the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus......Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually
found himself
eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give
this speech so many times.
I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Eistein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket
and sat in the
back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even
answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about
anti-matter
formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was
nobody's
fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare
and said, "Sir,
the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in
the
back, answer it for me."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been
born and
brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a
hedge and after
squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and
nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped.
Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them
and started eating the
grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig
them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the
most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all
stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Jesus took his disciples up the mountains, and gathering them around him, he
taught them a
saying.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they that thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."
Then Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
And Philip said, "What if we don't know it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't learn this."
And Matthew said, " When do we get out of here?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?''
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired
of Jesus'
terminal objectives in the cognitive domain....
And Jesus wept.
My Mother taught me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you can't
go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they're going to
freeze that way."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's your brother and don't
talk with food
in your mouth. Answer me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't
come running
to me!"
* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.