|
Revisions to Company Policy It has been brought to my attention that the attendance record of this department is a disgrace to our gracious benefactor, who at your own request, has given you your job. Due to your lack of consideration for your job with so fine an establishment, as shown by such frequent absenteeism, it has become necessary for us to revise some of our policies. The following CHANGES are in effect as of today. SICKNESS No excuse for absence. We will not accept your doctors certificate as proof. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work. If you are unable to visit your doctor you will have to be prepared to submit to a thorough examination by your departmental or branch manager at your home on the day you report sick. DEATH(other than your own) This is no excuse. Their is nothing you can do for the deceased, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can afford to attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon we will be glad to let you you off 10 minutes early - provided your work is sufficiently advanced to keep the job going in your absence. LEAVE FOR AN OPERATION This is no excuse. We will no longer allow this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever organs you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Note: An exception will be made for warts.) LEAVE OF ABSENCE(For Pregnancy) Out of the question. If you will take the proper measures before sex this will not become a problem. Too many times we get someone trained and then they get pregnant. This costs the company money and is not acceptable. If you get pregnant you will be expected to work. We will allow you one day in which to have your baby. You must specify that day 2 weeks in advance. Once you have specified a date for the birth of your child, you MUST stick to it. No exceptions. DEATH(your own) This will be accepted as an excuse. But, we would like 2 weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25 LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. TOILET VISITS Entirely too much time is being spent in toilets. In future we will follow alphabetical order. e;g (those whose surnames begin with "A" will go from 9:00am to 9:10am."B" from 9:10am to 9:20am. And so on). IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO GO AT THE ALLOTTED TIME IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN. DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input, should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management realizes that some may view these policies as harsh but you have to understand that this company is not only a fun place to work, it's a business. Some say we have to stay lean and mean to win. It is the opinion of management that if we stay skinny and pissed we'll do even better. U. R. Skrood Personnel Manager |