| CBS-TV's Andy Rooney | I could have said "Didja ever wonder why it is that the chicken crossed the road, and which road it was?" But I didn't. I did ask some turkeys, however, and this is what they said... | |
| President William Jefferson Clinton | That depends on how yuh define "road". | |
| COBOL Programmers |
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING | |
| Hillary Rodham Clinton | I don't bake cookies; I don't cook chicken. I am not a crook -- er, I am not a cook. | |
| James Carville | Because the mean-spirited Republican majority in congress was going to cook the chicken and leave only the sun-bleached bones picked bare for the American people that they'd throw out in the street, Larry! | |
| Ayn Rand | A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement. | |
| A Typical Politically Correct Person | Don't blame the chicken! Society is to blame. The chicken did cross the road, but he or she was merely a victim of this racist, bigoted, sexist society. We are all to blame, for failing to provide... [blah, blah, blah -- ad nauseam] | |
| The Channel 7 (WSVN, Miami) News Team |
In a story you will see only on WSVN, a young homeless chicken crosses the road in Citron Beach for the very first time... The orphaned chicken is hit by a speeding car and is thrown sky high... Authorities are still trying to pick up the pieces. At the family's request, the chicken's remains will be used to make chicken soup for the orphaned chicks...
This just in... Is OJ's golf game getting worse, now that he's in the custody battle of his life? | |
| Tom Leykis | I cannot bee-LEEVE that women are SO shocked to hear that the reason the chicken crossed the road is because the rooster was trying to get into her pants! | |
| Rush Limbaugh | It was having more fun than a chicken should be allowed to have, listening to the Rush Limbaugh program on the EIB network and reveling in its righteousness! | |
| Gilligan and the Skipper | The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost. | |
| Deanna Troi | It was experiencing -- GREAT PAIN -- TORMENT! | |
| George Bush | Read my chicken lips. To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights. | |
| Kurt Vonnegut | And so it goes -- to the other side. | |
| H. Ross Perot | No, no, it's not about me, Larry. It's about the chicken. | |
| Robert Frost | To cross the road less traveled by. | |
| Jean Chretien | OK, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan. | |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole says "To get to the other side." | |
| Sigmund Freud | The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the cross walk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich. | |
| Bill Gates | We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business. | |
| Western New York Retailers | To see the hens in Hens & Kelly's window. | |
| Omar Khayam | The moving chicken fingers write, and having writ, move on. | |
| Moses | Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation. | |
| Sir Isaac Newton | Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. | |
| Plato | For the greater good. | |
| Pierre de Fermat | I just don't have room here to give the full explanation... | |
| Karl Marx | It was a historical inevitability. | |
| Chico Marx | Why a duck? Why-a-no chicken? | |
| Groucho Marx | You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find out why-a-no chicken. It's deep water, that's viaduct. | |
| WWNN's Adam Clatsoff | If you had been hatched where the chicken was hatched, and had been raised where the chicken was raised, and eaten the same chicken feed that the chicken had eaten, you probably would have crossed the road, too. | |
| WFTL's Dante DeAngelis | Now let me get this straight. You're saying a chicken crossed the road, and now YOU'RE asking ME, "WHY?" | |
| Machiavelli | So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. | |
| Hippocrates | Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. | |
| Captain James T. Kirk | To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. | |
| Mr. Spock | It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. | |
| Colonel Harlan Sanders | It wasn't one of our chickens. They don't have to, because now KFC delivers! | |
| Jacques Derrida | Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! | |
| Noam Chomsky | The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press) | |
| Al Bundy | It was Married... With children! | |
| Marcy Jefferson | Why do you keep calling me a chicken? | |
| Kelly Bundy | How do you spell chicken? | |
| Thomas de Torquemada | Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. | |
| Timothy Leary | Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. | |
| Walter Cronkite | That's the way it is. | |
| Nietzsche | Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. | |
| Oliver North | National Security was at stake. | |
| B.F. Skinner | Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. | |
| Carl Jung | The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. | |
| Jean-Paul Sartre | In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. | |
| Ludwig Wittgenstein | The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. | |
| Albert Einstein | Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. | |
| Aristotle | To actualize its potential. | |
| Buddha | If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. | |
| Howard Cosell | It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. | |
| Salvador Dali | The Fish. | |
| Monty Python | The Larch | |
| Douglas Adams | Forty-two. | |
| Marcel Marceau | ||
| Darwin | It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. | |
| Emily Dickinson | Because it could not stop for death. | |
| Epicurus | For fun. | |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson | It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. | |
| Johann Friedrich von Goethe | The eternal hen-principle made it do it. | |
| Ernest Hemingway | To die. In the rain. | |
| Saddam Hussein | This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. | |
| Jack Nicholson | 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. | |
| Pyrrho the Skeptic | What Road? | |
| President Ronald Reagan | Ask Mommy. I forget. | |
| John Sununu | The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. | |
| The Sphinx | You tell me. | |
| Henry David Thoreau | To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. | |
| Senator Edward Moore "Teddy" Kennedy | It panicked. | |
| Katherine McKinnon | Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumned animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse. | |
| Stephen Jay Gould | It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation. | |
| Joseph Stalin | I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette. | |
| Malcolm X | It was coming home to roost. | |
| Mark Twain | The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. | |
| Homer Simpson | There was free beer on the other side of the road. | |
| Bill Cosby | Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops. | |
| Isaac Newton | The duck suggested to the chicken that they play
follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction . | |
| Shakespeare | To cross or not to cross, that is the question. | |
| Rene Descartes | Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road. | |
| Pete Rose | I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it. | |
| Gandhi | All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road. | |
| Steve Jobs | Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow. | |
| Colin Powell | This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily. | |
| Darwin | Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. | |
| Moses | And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. | |
| Henry David Thoreau | To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. | |
| Howard Cosell | It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. | |
| Machiavelli | The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. | |
| Machiavelli | So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained | |
| Arthur Andersen Consultant | Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other
in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. | |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson | It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. | |
| Secretary Cheney | Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself. | |
| Senator Lieberman | I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way. | |
| Neil Armstrong | That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind. | |
| George Bush | We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. | |
| Bill Gates | I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. | |
| Martha Stewart's | No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. | |
| Dr. Seuss | Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! | |
| Martin Luther King Jr. | I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. | |
| Grandpa | In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. | |
| Barbara Walters | Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road. | |
| Ralph Nader | The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. | |
| Ralph Nader | Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire
makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens. | |
| Rush Limbaugh | I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. | |
| Jerry Falwell | Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.". | |
| John Lennon | Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. | |
| Voltaire | I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. | |
| Albert Einstein | Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. | |
| Sigmund Freud | The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. | |
| L.A.P.D. | Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. | |
| Buddha | If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. | |
| Joseph Stalin | I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. | |
| Carl Jung | The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. | |
| Louis Farrakhan | The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. | |
| John Locke | Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. | |
| The Pope | That is only for God to know. | |
| George Orwell | Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. | |
| Plato | For the greater good. | |
| O.J. Simpson | It didn't. It was playing golf with it at the time. | |
| Ken Starr | I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.). | |
| Colonel Sanders | I missed one? |