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How do you know if you run out of invisible ink? If you choke a smurf, what color do they turn? If a guy says something and no female is around to hear it, is he still wrong? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How did a fool and his money get together? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for Roget? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? To shoot a mime, are you required to use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn’t a person who drives a race car called a racist, and why isn’t a proctologist called an astronaut? "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. If progress is moving forward, what is Congress? "Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?" Why are they called apartments when they are together? If Adam and Eve were the first living persons.... did they have belly buttons? Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? I know I’m psychic because my underwear says ‘medium’. Your only young once, but you can be immature forever. My giveadamner is broken. I’m confused . . . wait . . . maybe I’m not. No Sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. Trust me, I’m a liar. I’m planning to be more spontaneous in the future. Some days it hard to just keep up with the losers. Good friends don’t let you do stupid things . . . alone. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying “Damn… that was fun!”. Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken. To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential. Good morning. Let the stress begin. So much to do. So few people to do it for me. I use to think drinking was bad for me . . . so I gave up thinking. I drive way to fast to worry about my cholesterol. There are three kinds of people in the world: those that are good at math and those who aren’t. No, No, It’s ok, I’m interrupted by morons all the time. Just pretend I’m not here. That’s what I’m doing. Beer is proof that God wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin) I live in my own little world, but that’s ok, they know me here. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't ta ke life too seriously; no one gets out alive. You're just jealous, because the voices only talk to me Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the Universe. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Telfast, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. God must love stupid people. He made so many. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. Procrastinate Now! I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! They call it P.M.S. because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. The trouble with life is there's no background music. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. I smile because I don't know what on earth is going on. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to l look at things on the ground? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? |